Friday, April 5, 2013

Seeing Yourself Realistically

As I've been working on the second master's degree, I have been asked to - and have taken - a long, honest look at myself, and I see so many things I don't like.  As I look back over my life and see how much stupidity I excused in myself, and how much irreponsibility I embodied, I have a hard time believing it.  I have to wonder how someone who wanted to be such a good Christian, someone who wanted to please God so badly, could have been so bad at it. It's sad that it took me until I was nearly forty to start growing up, and until I was forty-three to take a honest, long look at myself.

I never did drugs, or "sexed it up," or partied, or drank, but I had a myriad of problems that I ignored, or at least pretended "weren't that bad."  I was irresponsible with money.  I cared too much what people tought of me and tried too much to please them instead of God.  I thought I was a "great Christian" with "so much to offer" people, when realistically, I was a walking disaster and bad testimony.  No, I wasn't all bad - I had good qualities, but the utter self-blindness to my faults - the tendency to underrate things I did wrong and pretend they were someone else's fault bothers me.

It's no wonder we fail to look at ourselves for what and who we really are sometimes - it's too's too painful...most of us DON'T want to be the "screw-ups" that we actually are or have been...but, looking at that truthfully, taking inventory, and moving forward with God's help is the only way to remedy it.  Have you taken a good look in the mirror lately?

I don't need to say much more, except this - If you have known me for a long time - I'm sorry for who I was - I'm sorry for being utterly blind to my own faults and problems.  I am sorry.  Most of you who read this are my friends, and you have been my friend for a very long time, and you will always be...and to know you loved me, even when I was a big ball of stupidity and irresponsibility, humbles me.  Thank-you for not giving up on me...I am growing up...and I moving forward...I am a work in progress...please keep praying for me. 

1 comment:

  1. I love you. Don't forget to be awesome, cause you know you can't fight that inner awesomeness inside you