As I've been working on the second master's degree, I have been asked to - and have taken - a long, honest look at myself, and I see so many things I don't like. As I look back over my life and see how much stupidity I excused in myself, and how much irreponsibility I embodied, I have a hard time believing it. I have to wonder how someone who wanted to be such a good Christian, someone who wanted to please God so badly, could have been so bad at it. It's sad that it took me until I was nearly forty to start growing up, and until I was forty-three to take a honest, long look at myself.
I never did drugs, or "sexed it up," or partied, or drank, but I had a myriad of problems that I ignored, or at least pretended "weren't that bad." I was irresponsible with money. I cared too much what people tought of me and tried too much to please them instead of God. I thought I was a "great Christian" with "so much to offer" people, when realistically, I was a walking disaster and bad testimony. No, I wasn't all bad - I had good qualities, but the utter self-blindness to my faults - the tendency to underrate things I did wrong and pretend they were someone else's fault bothers me.
It's no wonder we fail to look at ourselves for what and who we really are sometimes - it's too ugly...it's too painful...most of us DON'T want to be the "screw-ups" that we actually are or have been...but, looking at that truthfully, taking inventory, and moving forward with God's help is the only way to remedy it. Have you taken a good look in the mirror lately?
I don't need to say much more, except this - If you have known me for a long time - I'm sorry for who I was - I'm sorry for being utterly blind to my own faults and problems. I am sorry. Most of you who read this are my friends, and you have been my friend for a very long time, and you will always be...and to know you loved me, even when I was a big ball of stupidity and irresponsibility, humbles me. Thank-you for not giving up on me...I am growing up...and I moving forward...I am a work in progress...please keep praying for me.